"Good one today. You succeeded today."

I'm not jealous, I'm congratulating you.
At least I didn't think of what it would be like if i were the one in the limelight. The first thought I had, the first thing I noticed when everyone in class praised him, cheered for him when we all got back to class, was his relief. He wasn't lightheaded. He was a little disappointed, with his screw-up at the last part of the song.

But the relief, the relief that he finally pulled it off, I thought I saw.

I want that relief. I thirst for it. I want to come out of a each test, tests like this, whole, and happy that i accomplished something. Yet this time, I missed it.

I wasn't prepared. Not unprepared for the song, but unprepared for the limelight, the size of the performance, the praises, even the cheering.

Damn. Lol.

I rationalized this failure on lack of preparation for the song. Was it just that? Would I have performed even if I memorized the rhythm, the beat, the tunes, and the lyrics? Would that have made it any easier to step out of my seat, out of my hiding place amidst the crowd, alone, and take the stage, and make it my own for the few minutes? I wouldn't know.

The answer's obvious. 2 things to prepare for, one at a time, one before the other. Slow, calm, feeling each tune, and according to that friend, the one true voice inside us, conscience.

written on
3:18 AM